New Roots of Deeper Trust

“See, I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?  I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”  Isaiah 43:19

I sat and shook my head as God made clear He had a new word for me.  I always felt as though January 1st was a day full of cliches and resolutions never to be fulfilled but on January 1, 2018 God tugged at my heart over and over with Isaiah 43:19.  I felt the whisper on my heart, “NEW! 2018 is not the end of your 2017 run, we are just getting started and you are going to see “new” everywhere!”

We had a new normal as life fell apart and my husband and I learned to be just two again.  Everywhere I looked I saw new, a new friendship, a new calling, a new chapter, a new hope for the future.  I have always assumed new was positive, this year taught me different, new can be amazing as you walk into new friendships or new callings, but sometimes new can be hard and it can hurt.  New involves a beginning and growth usually takes place in the middle.  Growth involves stretching and pain, often challenging us to fall face first into His deep embrace.

I sat on the turf that day in December, an ache radiating through my veins as I tried desperately to find a way to make it through the next couple of hours.  Alone, very alone, and to be honest I wanted to feel that coldness for a moment.  I wanted to know the deep ache and hurt that alone can bring, it almost felt as though I had a friend in those moments of alone-ness, a place to hide before I faced the reality of what this new might bring.

Hours later in the safety of calm, I wept as I came face to face with the feelings the loneliness had masked.  I wept as I tried to make sense of moments and words my heart was having a hard time translating.  I wept as my words tried to explain this new pain it did not understand to ears that would listen.  I felt the loss of control as my tears fell desperate for some hope.  Chaos strangled my heart as she tried to help me fall fast into a relief that only hope spoken could provide.

Four days later:

The room was cold, the assistant sat in the chair that found sanctuary behind a desk that barricaded her from us.  We waited, an uncertainty filled the room, a confusion that seemed to desperately try to convey hope.

That word has a lot of enemies and it was about to provoke an anger and hatred deep in my core.  “….Cancer….” came from the doctor’s mouth.  I had already read her as she had walked into the room knowing full well what she would say but now the air held the heaviness of the uninvited guest that just bombarded my family.

New, another new journey, a new enemy, a new emotion evoked deep in my soul.

God is so funny though I could feel the tender pull of the Holy Spirit.  I felt as though the season with the word new was ending.  This ending was different, I could feel that something new was coming that was deeper than new, the nudge was so tender and sweet but I couldn’t see past this step, I just felt the tender tug.  I felt left in the dark as the Holy Spirit seemed to take my heart and gently prepare it for something new, something big, something I didn’t expect.

Mom started chemo on a Monday.

She sat down in a chair that first night after hours of newness, I could see the weight of the day sitting deep in her eyes as she sat strong and firm trying not to permit the tired ache to overtake.  I felt the burden, I felt the anger well up.  I would do anything to beat this uninvited guest!  The tender peace my heart fought that night throbbed in my veins burying the anger.  The flesh wanted to be angry, but the heart juxtaposed that anger and was full of God’s grace and faith that He already had this.

The whisper becoming stronger… new is just the beginning of something deeper.

January brought with it a new high school soccer season and a stronger tug.

Tournament 1…

We sat in a cold locker room.  The floor was unsympathetic and the air seemed heavy and crowded with doubt.  We began speaking to them on trusting their teammates and being positive on the field.  We talked about what trusting our teammates looked like and asked some hard questions about if they truly trusted each other or not.  We saw the spark that game, the heart began to play to the game.  The weekend was marked with moments of pure tenacity and grit clouded by moments of chaos that seemed to be fueled by an insecurity and loss of confidence.  The tender tug was growing.

“But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him.  They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream.  It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green.  It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”  Jeremiah 17:7-8

We talked about trust, trust and more trust for our girls, our team.  Moments seemed to come that pierced my own awareness that I only had head knowledge of the word and not true heart knowledge.  God gently tugged and asked me to trust Him and the incredible individuals He hand chose to impact my life.  Trust Him that He holds my mom.  Trust Him that the cancer will be eradicated from her body.  Trust Him that He is the one in control and that He will be my strength all ways, He has the victory.  Trust the people He has carefully chosen to place in my life with a new level of vulnerability and love. Trust the day to day that His hand is in even the very small things we might overlook as insignificant.

Trust, what a simple word, such a hard concept, such an important action.  To trust someone is to place a deep faith and hope in them.  It means that you allow them a place, a profound vulnerability, to know you in a new way.  Trust is giving up control and resting in a peace you may have never known before.   To trust someone is learning to be courageous and find a new strength as we wait expectantly for that relationship to grow and stay strong, providing an unconditional love this world rarely holds.

Monday morning a chair waits for her and medicine that will attack the enemy we so desperately long to defeat.  Another round, another moment, where my flesh throbs to protect her and longs to fix this for her.  His hand is wrapped tightly in hers and He will whisper softly to her as the medicine courses through her veins. I watch her trust Him through the hard; His eyes hold a gentleness as He sits beside her through every second of chemo.  Her faith is Daniel sized and her trusts rests solely in Him.

Trust, I thought I understood that word intensely in my chest, I’m learning I have a lot to learn as I allow Him the control, the grip on the moment to moment of everyday life, the hold on my heart as it fights insecurity and loss of control.

Monday came…

As I sat in the chair across from her, the room began to fill with more precious fighters.  The chairs held hearts and dreams hooked to IV drips.  The room held emotions so thick your heart had no choice but to absorb the pain, the hardship, the hurt; but it also held a hope, an overwhelming saturating hope.  The enemy, cancer, doesn’t have a chance as it sits trying to overtake these strong warriors.  I have never been surrounded by such incredible strength as I sat overwhelmed at the fight taking place before my eyes.  As we left the room to fight the fight at home, my heart was bombarded with an incredible trust.  She has a long path ahead of her full of pain, sickness, and change but the hope that radiates off of her weak frail body is entrancing and calls for a trust so pure and so determined my heart can’t help but fall deeper into an unfailing faith.

If we place our trust firmly in Him we will find a peace that passes all understanding.  We will discover a hope we have never introduced our hearts to.  We find a security that only He can provide even in the midst of life’s most difficult and uncertain storms.  To allow Him full control sounds like we are giving up our freedom but that is just a lie the enemy hopes we buy into so we fight Him for control.  Placing our trust deep into Jesus is the most freeing act we can do.  We will find that every moment can be faced head on bravely as we trust the one who knows all things!

I challenge you to look to Him and allow Him to grow your faith deeper in trusting Him with even the smallest moment, the smallest hurdle.  He will place individuals in your world as amazing examples of what true trust can be.  He will scoop you up close and show you a world of hope you may have never even imagined existed.

Blessings,

Ferg

Caught in a Memory

Do you ever get caught in a memory?

Do you ever get caught in a memory?

You’re driving down the road minding your own business as you sing along to your favorite song. The light turns green and as your feet presses on the gas and lets up on the clutch you feel yourself jolt and your breath catch in your chest. A memory streaks across your mind stirring up emotions you thought were buried deep below the waves. Their little faces cause your eyes to fill with tears that overflow and overwhelm your heart. A memory you thought was buried, one you thought you could escape, but the day, the way the sun hit off the clouds and the air filled your lungs with the sweet smells of summers end, all barreled at you and before you realized it you were drowning in a sea of feelings because the memory took you captive.

Moses was an incredible leader and follower of God who never got to walk into The Promised Land. He raised up another leader who would eventually lead the people of Israel across the Jordan and into the land of milk and honey.

All through Exodus we see the nation of Israel on a hard, long, painful journey in hopes of entering a place God promised them. They walked in shoes that became filled with memories of torment, abuse, slavery, and fear. Memories of how God saved them by parting the Red Sea, sending manna and quail, a pillar of cloud leading them by day and a pillar of fire by night. They followed Moses, sometimes grumbling and fighting the journey, as Moses listened and followed God trusting Him for The Promised Land.

In Joshua 1 we see Moses has passed away and God tells Joshua to get up and be ready; that he will be the one who takes the people across the Jordan.

I picture Joshua standing in the night air next to the rushing water as he listens to the calm night sky whisper as the wind rushes through the brush. I can just see his face as he contemplates all God has told him and as he wrestles with this new calling. “Strong and courageous,” two words branded on his heart, on a warriors heart. Joshua is a mighty warrior and does not take those words lightly, they weigh on him. I picture him standing by that river remembering all this nation has been through to get to this moment. His hands lifted in worship as he focuses on his loving Father. This warrior is ready to walk into The Promised Land knowing God is with him.

God calls them to move and the most incredible thing happens! The Jordan, during flood stage, stops! God STOPS the river and the entire nation walks across on DRY ground! This is the second time God has them walk on dry ground where it should be covered with water, once at the beginning of their journey into the desert and here at the end of the journey as they leave the desert. We see in Joshua 4 they make it to the other side and God tells Joshua to choose 1 man from each of the 12 tribes to collect a stone from the middle of the Jordan where the priests carrying the ark of the covenant stood as they crossed. They were to stack the stones in order to be a sign for future generations to see that this, this place, was where Israel crossed the river on dry ground because God STOPPED the river.

A memory, a stamp in time, marked by a memorial to evoke an emotion, to evoke worship. Joshua took remembering serious, he did what God asked. Israel needed reminders of God’s power and His works.

We need to be struck by memories. We need to get lost in the embrace of what God has done and trust that those memories will only strengthen our trust in a deep way so that we can fall further into His chest and trust Him for all the unknowns of the present and the future.

This time of year begins one that is filled with hardness for my little family as those memories surface, sometimes from out of nowhere, but as I lay here listening to the night whisper His unmeasurable glory, I’m reminded to remember and hold those memories dear even when they hurt, even when they bring tears, even when sadness seems to overtake. I’m reminded to worship the Creator for the good and the bad knowing He uses everything for His glory. Those hard roads can lead us into a place that is filled with milk and honey and only makes our stories sweeter! Those memories glorify a good good Father and show His faithfulness and how holy He is. So as the weather teases us with the promises of hoodies, football, and pumpkin spice everything let us fall head first into worship as we remember all He has done for us!

Blessings,

Stacy

Excitement in the Calling

There is a particular excitement in the air. You know what I am talking about; that moment you feel God and He is so close and His wings cover you and hold you so tightly that your lungs want to burst out of your chest in excitement!

Tomorrow I get to sit down and speak. Exciting, right? I can hardly sit still at the thought of talking about Jesus! It’s funny, years ago I would have screamed and curled up in a corner crying at the very thought of talking in front of others; not because I was scared, but mostly because I truly felt unworthy, uninteresting, and OH… how I longed to be unnoticed.

God created a unique story for each of us and no one, not a single person, who has lived or will ever live will has your own very unique story. Isn’t that incredible?

You are a one of a kind and God has written a special story with your life that no one will ever get to hold; only you! Let that sink in for a moment…..

I climbed on a plane back in July to come home after one of the most incredible weekends of my life and as I sat in that seat and watched the clouds surround our plane and roll by I wrote. I had been praying and asking God what He wanted for our group, The Box. I had been struggling and was beginning to feel the pressure of time as our kickoff was approaching. I was longing to talk about the Minor Prophets and tell the stories of The Old Testament. I love talking about The Old Testament and I longed to get lost in the study and research of the text. As I began to write at 20,000+ feet high, what poured out of my pencil was how God wanted me to see myself in Him! One thing I wrote that surprised me was, “I am a speaker!” This was huge, no this was GIANT! I knew He was calling me to speak and I know deep in my heart this is the calling He has for me. To actually speak this and write this after ten years was momentous for me. It was alive and I was completely on board with this idea that God could use me for this calling that I was completely unequipped to pursue.

The calling He has placed on your life, that special thing, is special! It has purpose and He will use it to glorify Himself.

God allowed me to get an art degree and He fills my paintbrush with paint that fills the canvas to glorify Him and He gave my feet the talent for soccer and now allows me to coach the sport I have loved since I could kick a ball; but there is something so special about that calling He places on your life. I’m not talking about what you are good at or where your talents are, I am talking about that thing He shows you that He longs for you to do for Him. It may be parenting or teaching; it could be caring for animals or those who are sick or in need of healing; or it could be writing or simply serving others where you are at in this moment.

My excitement level to get to speak to others about Him is so on FIRE and it is truly one of the last things I ever wanted to do or even enjoyed. I am not a good speaker. I am the poster child for introverts and I am not enough when I stand before others but there is one who is and when He does, Oh man! Things happen!

I want to encourage you to embrace where God has placed you and talk to Him, confide in Him, worship Him. The story He is writing in your life is for Him and He will do amazing things through you and your weakness!

Blessings,

Stacy

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9