Confidence through His eyes

Sometimes I feel broken, you know that feeling where because your life doesn’t quite look like the picturesque dream the world says it should be so therefore you must not be enough feeling; yeah, that feeling.  That picture is not my life and I feel like my brokenness makes me less than whole.  I worry that we failed  and we are too broken to even be acknowledged, to even be taken seriously, to truly make a difference.  The struggle with imperfection and failing is a constant battle.

But then sometimes God whispers a sweet nudge reminding me that just because my reality is not what the world says is enough, that reality is not His reality and it does not make me less than.  Sometimes God’s plans look very different from we want or expect. His plans may not be what the world says is enough, but they are so very good and when we step into His plans we see how He sees us and the wholeness He provides!

I woke up to the sound of the text dinging my phone, “Who in the world could be texting me as the sun comes up?” I thought to myself.  I ignored the ding for a time, but ultimately my curiosity got the best of me and I rolled over. It was someone who holds my heart in a special way that I can’t find the right words to describe how amazing she is;  she had been talking with God and in the middle of her quiet time He placed me on her heart. The simple fact that on this particular day God tugged at her to reach out showed me how deeply He cares for the small things, how deeply he cares for each of us.

See, I was incredibly nervous, the kind of nervous where your heart seems to jump out of your chest while your lungs hold a breath in the deepest part and your body seems to bounce around uncontrollably while your brain scrambles in hopes of not blowing the entire thing!  Yeah, that is exactly where I was, crawling out of my skin scared. Fear had taken over and I desperately pleaded that I would not disappoint or fail my friend that entrusted October 6th in my hands.  In the grand scheme of things this day was small but I felt the weight of coaching well heavy on my shoulders.  For weeks I had been bending God’s ear about doing this day well; I did not want to fail.  This day felt as though I would find my coaching voice or I was never going to amount to anything as a coach.  It felt as though there was no in between.

Her text demanded a trust that I tell her what was going on and I couldn’t help but oblige.  She knows me well and her heart for God only draws me into a deep trust where I can’t tell her no.  I told her how I was fearful of disappointing my friend along with the failure that could occur on the field.  She gently poured words of wisdom and advice into me all while pointing me back to Jesus.

The funniest thing happened as we talked, I began to visualize Jesus standing with me on the sidelines that my feet would soon fill.  He had on our team shirt along with His face painted to support me. His face held a pure smile that His eyes could barely contain and He had a bright yellow foam finger with my name printed in black written LARGE across it all while His fist pumped through the air, yelling every exciting encouraging word His mouth could contain as He watched me coach from the sidelines.  A crazy picture, I know, but for the first time I saw Jesus as my cheerleader! A huge fan that when His eyes looked at me He saw someone who He absolutely adores. This idea, where the most important man who has EVER walked on this earth, looks at me and all He sees is, someone He truly loves and adores overwhelmed my heart in such a way that I could not hold it in, my eyes filled with blue waves that overflowed running quickly down my cheeks.  Her text, a moment my heart truly needed, opened a door in my heart where for a moment I could see myself through Jesus’ eyes.

It’s hard for me to think I deserve that type of adoration, that type of unconditional insane crazy  love. I typically only see my failings, my flaws, my shortcomings, but for a moment that morning I saw something a little bit different.  I saw a moment where Jesus sees me for who I am in Him and ultimately for who He is making me to be.  I was filled with a deep confidence that no matter if I failed or found my wings I had the best fan and cheerleader standing beside me longing to simply cheer me on and for me to keep my eyes focused on Him!  He was the one I was coaching for and His approval was the only one I wanted or needed.

He stands with each of us, t-shirt on along with a bright foam finger with our name on it, cheering for us!  He is your ABSOLUTE BIGGEST cheerleader and fan! When He looks at you all He sees is this beautiful soul that is made in His image and He LOVES you!  His eyes soften at the simple mention of your name and His heart jumps for joy as He thinks about your sweet face. He can’t help but smile when you focus on Him.  It’s hard to think that someone could love you with a grace that is so deep and true, but He does and He is always in your corner.

I pray you see yourself through His eyes, through His love for you, through the adoration His heart holds for you.  The view is absolutely incredible and if we find ourselves on that mountain top and trust Him for our true identity we might just find Him in a new profound way that will ultimately lead us deeper in relationship with Him!!!!

Imagine seeing yourself through His eyes and how that will change everything you do and say.  Imagine how you will approach things with a new-found unbridled confidence that will give you the courage to dream His dreams and chase His heart!  Imagine only living for Him!  I pray you see Him with His fist pumping through the air cheering you on today!

Blessings,

Stacy

A blog of a different kind: A peek into my heart in a moment of brokenness and loss.

That moment

The breath is knocked out of you and you lay flat on the ground if only metaphorically. The punch radiates a pain deeper than any fist could unconvincingly comprehend. You feel all life leave your body but find that your heart is beating and your lungs are filling all while you try to figure out how you are still living and breathing when your entire world has just been ripped out from the very ground your feet stood upon.

Day Two

A moment where my chest fills with a hot fire as I try to breathe the anxiety attack out. Slowly and with a patience not seen by human eyes, my lungs burn with the rage of the beast racing through my veins. “One, Two…,” my eyes slam shut trying to wish the anxiety from making my bones a home, “Ten.” I force a soft smile into my lips, pressing with all my might and I force a relax into my eyebrows as I turn to face my responsibilities of the day; while hoping and praying they can’t see the anxiety, the pain, the brokenness and the hurt that is trying to sneak out of my eyes through a glassy sapphire wave. My body, feeling out of control and pain lurking slowly through every inch as the beast rages, trying to show itself to the outside world, begging to be acknowledged. This moment full of chaos and a world that doesn’t need to know and certainly should not see the weakness, hidden deep in a smile on my lips somehow deceives and everyone interacts never knowing the war thundering deep inside my skin.

The day’s trials compounded turning into minutes and then hours and finally, after begging and pleading, one completed day. Escaping to the security of a bright blue glass house speeding home and safely pulling into a concrete sea of driveway that should bring no comfort to an achy body and raw war torn heart; but security is exactly what it brings and for a brief moment safety and concealment lodged the brokenness allowing a peace to cover and conceal the overwhelming pain.

2 Timothy 1:7, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”

A broken promise; a dream interrupted and awakened by a lie; hope tasted but stolen leaving a deep thirst that can only be quenched by one living water, The Living Water. A hope that we pray is not lost on childhood. A desire that lingers because it has been faithfully felt. An insatiable taste that cannot be forgotten but will be chased and sought after long after the bitterness subsides. We pray that the life breathed deep into his lungs was engraved on his heart, “JESUS.”

To never say goodbye, to walk away where choice was thieved right out from under you; in a moment you found yourself holding your breath, taking the heart and cracking the remaining portion in such a way it cannot possibly be put back together.  It devastates the age to come and disrupts and temps the glory to pass what could have been. The ache we feel is unconvinced of hope but seems to hear a slight whisper that temps by knocking the heart to turn toward the beat; the whisper heard through a door slammed shut; the whisper, a breath, for the future that holds a promise of life, for true life that will be lived and lived through thriving from living water.

To Deliberate

My mind races to the birthdays never celebrated, the blanket I had yet to get embroidered, the t-shirt with Fergie across the back that he chose but will never wear, the movie I promised but was waiting to see, and the cereal bought but not eaten; my heart cries out for the moments where he pushed the boundary a bit more and snuggled up under my arm instead of just finding a way to touch my leg. My love grows deeper as I feel the hurt of the lost moments of homework and grocery shopping and talk of his new name and future game days.

A failed moment that brings a flesh to its knees and a heart to its shattered-ness; a moment that suddenly calls wisdom out begging the soul to crave a different kind of success; a moment that seems to beg you to choose withdrawal and defeat or maybe, just maybe a push forward out onto the water; step by step moving forward toward The One True King and your eyes never breaking from His.

We never planned for this journey to end this way and we never envisioned more loss, more heart ache, but our flesh doesn’t seem to see what our souls long for and strive in each moment to achieve. Our flesh misses the future promise of serving the King of Kings and that promise, the promise we must grab onto and chase with our complete soul, clasping onto the assurance of serving Jesus and walking in His truth and His light. Our lives are about so much more than our eyes can see and our flesh can touch and we must pursue an existence that is solely devoted to our deep identity in Christ that is based on Him and founded in His will!

The Future

Sweet boy…sweet boys, our hearts ache for you in this world but will always pray for you and long to see you in the next life as we hang out with Jesus! We love you with a love we have never known and long to grow deeper in.

We love you with a courageous love and an apologetic flesh!

Blessings, Stacy